My second therapy session was four days ago and I haven’t been able to write about it because I feel like I’m bad at therapy.
How can you be bad at therapy?
Before I went in, I was skimming over the notice boards in the waiting area as a way of distracting myself. It kept me from running out the door back onto the street. They had stuck up helpline numbers for people with drug abuse, parents who had lost children, people with eating disorders, HIV sufferers and children who suffered in abusive families growing up. These numbers and leaflets had been put up as an aid for people in need to use, call when they were feeling low and get the help when they desired. I read all of them, every single one. Half way through reading them all, I realised they would have no leaflet that would be applicable to me.
I don’t suffer from any of those things.
I’m just miserable.
After this I felt like my “problems” were irrelevant because there’s no helpline for people who just feel shit about themselves for no reason. I can’t pinpoint a traumatic experience that I can blame my problems on.
I sat in silence for the first five or ten minutes of the session, trying to steady my breath and staring at the small clock.
We started talking about my upbringing as a child and again, what can I say, I don’t think I’ve had a bad childhood but I’m not even sure about that anymore. My parents had their problems and difficulties when I was growing up but nothing too bad. My mom drank, probably more than she should have. My dad worked a lot and spent most of the day out of but my mom made up for that, in her own way where she could and that’s a normal family.
My dad was strict, especially on me and my sister, less so on my brother and I don’t know if it’s because he is younger and my dad got more complacent or if it’s because he was a boy and he didn’t feel the need to be as strict with him. I will probably never know the answer.
I’ve agreed to keep going to the counselling.
After all, what have I got to lose? I can’t give up because what do I have left if I do?