Therapy #1

Why do I feel like I’m actually more of a lost cause after that? 

  • Where do your problems lie do you think?
  • Are you unhappy?
  • Why are you unhappy?
  • Have you had suicidal thoughts?
  • Have you tried to harm yourself?
  • What do you hope to get out of your sessions? 
  • Do you have dependency issues?

What the hell? 

What am I supposed to answer? 

Mumbling yes and no every so often because it was all I could manage. God, I feel so hopeless. I can’t even bring myself to admit why I’m feeling so fucking shit to somebody who is by their very profession not allowed to tell anybody else. 

I know why I’m unhappy. I’m unhappy because life isn’t going how I thought it would go. I’m unhappy because everybody has ups and downs but I can’t seem to handle my downs. I let them consume me and take over my life. I let them drown me until I can’t hear or see what’s really going on around me. 

I shit you not, there’s a lady with a beard unravelling a knitted scarf and winding back up the ball of wool. Nobody is paying her any attention as if it’s the most normal thing in the world but I’m consumed with fear that I will be that lady. I will end up alone forever and never find happiness with somebody.  

I out every thing I have into my relationship, trying to make a family and home for us. Dreaming of creating a future together, hoping beyond everything he felt it too. I wasn’t good enough. His fantasies were about my best friend, my cousin, my sister… He wanted them but not me. I feel disgusting. He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve to be happy.  

Why can I not say that out loud? 

Why am I so embarrassed by the fact I got caught up in his lies and deceit? 

Why of all people did I have to fall for it? It was all bullshit… I think it was all bullshit. I’m not even strong enough to walk away because I keep going back for more lies, more hurt, more abuse. I hate that I love him so much and I hate that I can’t give up on him when it’s destroying my soul and my life. I hate that he doesn’t see how much I care. I hate that I can’t fucking walk away… 

I hate that I obsessively check my phone hoping he’s text me to let me know he hates me because if he’s still talking to me, maybe he will come round. I hate everything. I hate it all so much. 

I hate that I’m top afraid of being judged to tell even a counsellor this and I’m still to afraid to write it anonymously here…

I wish I was my sister. 

-A

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Reading as a distraction

My life isn’t boring, it’s just shit. Reading is my distraction when I’m depressed.

I should have known I was becoming depressed from the amount I’ve been reading the past eight or nine months. I’ve always read a lot, even as a kid I’d fly through book after book. I had the reading age of a fifteen years old by nine. I don’t know why but at some point along the way I stopped reading so much and started binge watching TV shows on Netflix and movies that I genuinely had no interest in. 

Reading takes time and effort. It puts you into the shoes of the protagonist. Movies and TV shows give you an insight, yet they can never display the array of emotions the way a book can using words. You can become absorbed by a book, if you let it. You can take on the feelings of that character and picture yourself in their life. You can read it aimlessly as ultimately you’ve no control over what’s happening next. It’s not like real life where you’re expected to make a decision and communicate with people. 

I’ve read hundreds, if not thousands of books where being the narrator has seemed much more appealing that my own life. It’s not that my life is dull and needs to be shaken up from the mundane, I just don’t like it. In fact I hate it. 

Sitting here in and waiting room, writing this, passing seconds until a therapist is ready to see me next. How much I wish I could tell them somebody else’s problems and not my own. The fact I want to lie to them… Does that make me more fucked up? 

-A

Normal therapy… 

Tomorrow is my first day of therapy but I can’t sleep because…

Is it normal to not sleep the night before you’re first therapy session? I knew going to bed I was going to sleep tonight but just in case the four panic attacks I had today didn’t give me enough to think about tonight, the messages from my ex certainly did. We’ve been broke up two weeks now and if I’m honest, he’s not the reason I need therapy but he’s the reason I’ve pushed myself to go. 

He told me tonight that he loves me and he hates disrespecting me… Go figure that one out and come back to me. If he loves me can he not stop? If he hates it can he not just quit it? What does he even mean by disrespecting me? The emotional torture he’s out me through for months? I don’t know anymore. I wish I didn’t love him and I wish I was strong enough to turn my back on him. 

Instead I’m left crying tonight, still wishing he’d let me go home while wishing I’d also never met him. He keeps giving me a sense of hope that we can work this out before ripping it away again. Every time it feels like I’m going through it all again, each time hurts more than the last. I’m broken. I can’t break anymore or there will be nothing left to break. 

Maybe tomorrow will make it disappear. 

Why I’ve started a blog

Why do people ever start blogs?

I don’t know why I’ve started a blog, I don’t know what I’m going to write about long term but right now, I need somewhere to vent. I don’t expect anybody to read this but it’s my way of getting everything off my chest. I’m starting therapy tomorrow because I can’t deal with life anymore. I feel like I’m constantly staring into a void and I don’t know where I’m going in life. People talk about hearing voices in their head, I don’t hear voices plural, I hear one voice, MINE! 

Constantly telling me what I can and can’t do. If it’s anything got to do with trying to better myself, that voice in my head will tell me I don’t deserve it, I can’t do it, I’ll fail… If it’s anything got to do with failure, that voice will tell me that’s all I have ever been good at. Failing. Everything. Relationships, friendships, college, career… Life in general, I’m good at failing life in general. So why bother? 

Everytime I think I have my life sorted, that voice kicks in. 

I feel like I checked out of life years ago and I’m just passing time until I expire. 

I just want it all to stop because I’ve lost every battle along the way and I’m losing the war.