Why do I feel like I’m actually more of a lost cause after that?
- Where do your problems lie do you think?
- Are you unhappy?
- Why are you unhappy?
- Have you had suicidal thoughts?
- Have you tried to harm yourself?
- What do you hope to get out of your sessions?
- Do you have dependency issues?
What the hell?
What am I supposed to answer?
Mumbling yes and no every so often because it was all I could manage. God, I feel so hopeless. I can’t even bring myself to admit why I’m feeling so fucking shit to somebody who is by their very profession not allowed to tell anybody else.
I know why I’m unhappy. I’m unhappy because life isn’t going how I thought it would go. I’m unhappy because everybody has ups and downs but I can’t seem to handle my downs. I let them consume me and take over my life. I let them drown me until I can’t hear or see what’s really going on around me.
I shit you not, there’s a lady with a beard unravelling a knitted scarf and winding back up the ball of wool. Nobody is paying her any attention as if it’s the most normal thing in the world but I’m consumed with fear that I will be that lady. I will end up alone forever and never find happiness with somebody.
I out every thing I have into my relationship, trying to make a family and home for us. Dreaming of creating a future together, hoping beyond everything he felt it too. I wasn’t good enough. His fantasies were about my best friend, my cousin, my sister… He wanted them but not me. I feel disgusting. He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve to be happy.
Why can I not say that out loud?
Why am I so embarrassed by the fact I got caught up in his lies and deceit?
Why of all people did I have to fall for it? It was all bullshit… I think it was all bullshit. I’m not even strong enough to walk away because I keep going back for more lies, more hurt, more abuse. I hate that I love him so much and I hate that I can’t give up on him when it’s destroying my soul and my life. I hate that he doesn’t see how much I care. I hate that I can’t fucking walk away…
I hate that I obsessively check my phone hoping he’s text me to let me know he hates me because if he’s still talking to me, maybe he will come round. I hate everything. I hate it all so much.
I hate that I’m top afraid of being judged to tell even a counsellor this and I’m still to afraid to write it anonymously here…
I wish I was my sister.