Letter sent… 

This is the last thing I’ve sent my boyfriend. He can’t even be bothered to reply. Am I wasting my time? I need help.

“​I don’t know how to make everything between us better again or even if there is a way to make it better again. I was happy with you. I loved going shopping, making pancakes and all the stupid little things that I took for granted at the time. I’m sorry, I fucked up and I’m trying so hard to make it right. I’m trying to show you that I want this to work. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m so sick of fighting with you and with everybody else but mostly with you. 
I’m sick of loving you and spending so much time arguing and worrying about if you love me or if you want me in your life. ******, I want you in my life. I want to be part of your life too. I want to be with just you and I want to be able to trust you when you tell me you love me. 
Why do you even love me? 
I spend so much time thinking about how much you hate me that I don’t have any reason left about why you would love me. It’s so hard to be with you at the minute but I don’t want to give up. I want to stay with you. I can’t give up on us. You mean everything to me babe. 
I wish so much I could take back the past few weeks but even before that, things were weird between us. I’m so embarrassed about how you treat me and the things you talk about that I can’t even talk to anybody about it. I’m embarrassed for myself for putting up with it because if somebody told me that, I know I’d tell that person to get out of that relationship. I can’t seem to do that with you. You hurt me every time you do it and I keep staying. I can’t walk away because I’m in love with you. I don’t want to be another girl that walks away from you just because things are tough. 
****** I still want all the things we’ve talked about. I don’t want a life with anybody else, I want it with you. Just you. Do you understand that? Does that make sense to you? You can go and ask any of my friends behind my back how I’ve spoken about you in comparison to exs. From the start I told them you were different, even my mom. I told them that you were the person I’d been waiting for, the person who made sense to me and treated me with respect. I still think you’re special. I still think you are the one and things are hard now but I don’t want to bail and give up. I don’t want to be with anybody else and I don’t want to be on my own. It’s not a case of me staying with you because it’s easy either. 
Like you said, this is hard and giving up and moving on is the easier option but in a years time I’d still think about you and wonder what would have happened if we tried. In five years time I’d still think about you and wonder if you were happy. That’s why I want to stay. I want to stay because I love you and I think what we have is special because nobody has ever made me want to stay and work through a problem. Nobody has made me fall in love and nobody has made me want to settle down and try and be normal, have a home and a life. I want that with you. 
I don’t even know if you believe that anymore. I have no reason to stay other than my love for you. I hate this feeling of not being able to touch you because I’m afraid you’ll brush me off. I hate feeling like you can’t stand to be in the same room as me. I hate the way you can’t even look at me. I hate knowing that I caused part of the problem. I want to fix it. 
Do you? Because we need to do something about it if you do. I don’t want to go on like this. I don’t know if we can fix it but for the sake of everything we could have I want to try baby. I really want to try and I’ll do everything I can to make it happen if it’s what you want too. You’re the single most important person to me and my own fucking insecurities made  me act the way I have. I don’t feel attractive or like myself and I haven’t for a long time. I’m trying to work out these things on my own too. I love you and I want you so much. It makes me weak but I do love you more than anything else or anybody else. I’m sick of trying to tell you how much you mean to me but I don’t know what else to do.”

This is what I’ve sent to my boyfriend, so far there has been no response and I don’t know what to do. I’m sick of putting my heart out and getting nothing in return. I want him to respond. I want him to put his arms around me and tell me he loves me and he’s willing to work even a little bit as much as I am. Is that a lot? He hates talking so we end up texting things back and forth but it’s not the same as talking face to face. It breaks my heart. 

I’m starting to think I’m really wasting my time. 

Therapy #1

Why do I feel like I’m actually more of a lost cause after that? 

  • Where do your problems lie do you think?
  • Are you unhappy?
  • Why are you unhappy?
  • Have you had suicidal thoughts?
  • Have you tried to harm yourself?
  • What do you hope to get out of your sessions? 
  • Do you have dependency issues?

What the hell? 

What am I supposed to answer? 

Mumbling yes and no every so often because it was all I could manage. God, I feel so hopeless. I can’t even bring myself to admit why I’m feeling so fucking shit to somebody who is by their very profession not allowed to tell anybody else. 

I know why I’m unhappy. I’m unhappy because life isn’t going how I thought it would go. I’m unhappy because everybody has ups and downs but I can’t seem to handle my downs. I let them consume me and take over my life. I let them drown me until I can’t hear or see what’s really going on around me. 

I shit you not, there’s a lady with a beard unravelling a knitted scarf and winding back up the ball of wool. Nobody is paying her any attention as if it’s the most normal thing in the world but I’m consumed with fear that I will be that lady. I will end up alone forever and never find happiness with somebody.  

I out every thing I have into my relationship, trying to make a family and home for us. Dreaming of creating a future together, hoping beyond everything he felt it too. I wasn’t good enough. His fantasies were about my best friend, my cousin, my sister… He wanted them but not me. I feel disgusting. He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve to be happy.  

Why can I not say that out loud? 

Why am I so embarrassed by the fact I got caught up in his lies and deceit? 

Why of all people did I have to fall for it? It was all bullshit… I think it was all bullshit. I’m not even strong enough to walk away because I keep going back for more lies, more hurt, more abuse. I hate that I love him so much and I hate that I can’t give up on him when it’s destroying my soul and my life. I hate that he doesn’t see how much I care. I hate that I can’t fucking walk away… 

I hate that I obsessively check my phone hoping he’s text me to let me know he hates me because if he’s still talking to me, maybe he will come round. I hate everything. I hate it all so much. 

I hate that I’m top afraid of being judged to tell even a counsellor this and I’m still to afraid to write it anonymously here…

I wish I was my sister. 

-A