Relationship Goals

I’m a disaster in relationships but I don’t know if it’s my fault anymore. Sometimes I blame him, other times I blame myself for being a pushover and letting him away with it.

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As I’m 26 I’m not as naive as I have been in previous years and in actual fact, I think I’m probably quite realistic when it comes to a relationship. I’m not expecting a whirlwind romance like you find in movies and books. I’m not looking for a knight in shining armour. I’m not looking for some tall, dark, rich and handsome guy to walk in and sweep me off my feet and take care of me. I actually hate the fact that those romances exist, even if it is only fiction. It leads girls (in particular) into a false sense of reality. 

I don’t think I expect much from a relationship. 

I want somebody to do nothing with. Somebody to waste time with. I want somebody that is reliable and who wants to challenge me. I don’t want a push over who will agree with me on every debate. I want somebody who will support me and love me in spite of my imperfections. Somebody who will make me feel safe. 

Is that a lot to ask for? 

Because if it’s not, then why do I always pick the wrong ones? 

I don’t even have a type. I don’t go for guys based on looks. I go based on personality. Somebody who can make me smile and laugh. Every single one of them though has been a failure once I get to know them. Somebody who puts on a show to win me over and then just drops the pretence once I’ve been sucked in. I’m beginning to think it’s my fault at this stage.

I think I’m a good looking girl. Slightly underweight maybe but not sickly thin, more toned than skinny. I’ve a fat ass that’s too big for the rest of my body and small tits. I’m mixed race and I always get compliments about my looks, especially my eyes so they’re down below. I’m polite and friendly, even when I don’t always feel like acting that way. I know the right places to nod and laugh in a conversation. I don’t think I’m a bad person. I just seem to attract bad people into my life. 

I guess you could say that with my track record in relationships, I’ve grown accustomed to being mistreated and it’s what I’ve come to expect. It’s what I think I deserve. 

This relationship is tough. I got sucked in with smiles and jokes, laughs and dates. I met his son and grew to love the two of them. I wanted us to be a family. I got up and made family breakfasts and came home and did family dinners. I cleaned the house and made it a home. I ironed shirts and looked after a sick child. I was happy to do it when I thought he wanted it too. Now I’m not sure what he wants. 

Sometimes I think it isn’t me he wants at all. Sometimes I think he just needs a cleaner in the house. 

We don’t have sex, he fucks me and thinks of other girls. How do I know that’s what he thinks about? He says it out loud, my sister, my cousin, my best friend… Even my mother. I’m never enough. 

What is wrong with me that every single time I feel like I’m taken advantage of? 
-A