According to my social media I have a really fun life. My instagram is filled with scenes from nature walks and wildlife, my snapchat is filled with cups of coffee and lunches in the park, my Facebook profile shows a girl who looks younger than she is, healthy and smiling. If I didn’t know myself, I’d probably be slightly envious of that life.
My instagram pictures of walks in the mountains and strolls by the river are my days out when I want to cry aloud and be by myself. Nobody bothers me out there. Nobody to hear my cries and nobody to see my tears. The cups of coffee on my snapchat are how I calm myself after a panic attack in public before I can face getting on a bus home. I update my Facebook picture about once a month, a picture of me, smiling and happy, putting on a front to the world so nobody can question how sad I really am. I’ve taken my job down from my Facebook page so nobody knows I’ve quit my job. I’ve put myself “not saying” in the relationship section so nobody knows about the fact me and my “other half” aren’t even friends at the moment.
It makes me wonder because I can’t be the only person doing this. It’s all an online illusion and why do I feel the need to put up the pretence?
What would happen if I posted a photo as I am now, getting sick all day with panic attacks, red eyed and blood shot from crying? Would anybody like me then? People like me because they think I get up and go on random little adventures with my time off. Would people like me if they knew the real reason why I like walking by myself?
This photo might look pretty but while taking it, I was crying. Not cute little sobs but convulsions with tears streaming down my face.
What was I crying about?
Nothing in particular and everything at the same time. Everybody “liked” the photo because I made it seem like I was having a good time. Would anybody have liked it if I’d told them my hands were shaking trying to steady the camera? How I sometimes like to take photos and edit them later to make myself feel better because I feel like I never appreciate anything when it’s right in front of me…