Letter sent… 

This is the last thing I’ve sent my boyfriend. He can’t even be bothered to reply. Am I wasting my time? I need help.

“​I don’t know how to make everything between us better again or even if there is a way to make it better again. I was happy with you. I loved going shopping, making pancakes and all the stupid little things that I took for granted at the time. I’m sorry, I fucked up and I’m trying so hard to make it right. I’m trying to show you that I want this to work. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m so sick of fighting with you and with everybody else but mostly with you. 
I’m sick of loving you and spending so much time arguing and worrying about if you love me or if you want me in your life. ******, I want you in my life. I want to be part of your life too. I want to be with just you and I want to be able to trust you when you tell me you love me. 
Why do you even love me? 
I spend so much time thinking about how much you hate me that I don’t have any reason left about why you would love me. It’s so hard to be with you at the minute but I don’t want to give up. I want to stay with you. I can’t give up on us. You mean everything to me babe. 
I wish so much I could take back the past few weeks but even before that, things were weird between us. I’m so embarrassed about how you treat me and the things you talk about that I can’t even talk to anybody about it. I’m embarrassed for myself for putting up with it because if somebody told me that, I know I’d tell that person to get out of that relationship. I can’t seem to do that with you. You hurt me every time you do it and I keep staying. I can’t walk away because I’m in love with you. I don’t want to be another girl that walks away from you just because things are tough. 
****** I still want all the things we’ve talked about. I don’t want a life with anybody else, I want it with you. Just you. Do you understand that? Does that make sense to you? You can go and ask any of my friends behind my back how I’ve spoken about you in comparison to exs. From the start I told them you were different, even my mom. I told them that you were the person I’d been waiting for, the person who made sense to me and treated me with respect. I still think you’re special. I still think you are the one and things are hard now but I don’t want to bail and give up. I don’t want to be with anybody else and I don’t want to be on my own. It’s not a case of me staying with you because it’s easy either. 
Like you said, this is hard and giving up and moving on is the easier option but in a years time I’d still think about you and wonder what would have happened if we tried. In five years time I’d still think about you and wonder if you were happy. That’s why I want to stay. I want to stay because I love you and I think what we have is special because nobody has ever made me want to stay and work through a problem. Nobody has made me fall in love and nobody has made me want to settle down and try and be normal, have a home and a life. I want that with you. 
I don’t even know if you believe that anymore. I have no reason to stay other than my love for you. I hate this feeling of not being able to touch you because I’m afraid you’ll brush me off. I hate feeling like you can’t stand to be in the same room as me. I hate the way you can’t even look at me. I hate knowing that I caused part of the problem. I want to fix it. 
Do you? Because we need to do something about it if you do. I don’t want to go on like this. I don’t know if we can fix it but for the sake of everything we could have I want to try baby. I really want to try and I’ll do everything I can to make it happen if it’s what you want too. You’re the single most important person to me and my own fucking insecurities made  me act the way I have. I don’t feel attractive or like myself and I haven’t for a long time. I’m trying to work out these things on my own too. I love you and I want you so much. It makes me weak but I do love you more than anything else or anybody else. I’m sick of trying to tell you how much you mean to me but I don’t know what else to do.”

This is what I’ve sent to my boyfriend, so far there has been no response and I don’t know what to do. I’m sick of putting my heart out and getting nothing in return. I want him to respond. I want him to put his arms around me and tell me he loves me and he’s willing to work even a little bit as much as I am. Is that a lot? He hates talking so we end up texting things back and forth but it’s not the same as talking face to face. It breaks my heart. 

I’m starting to think I’m really wasting my time. 

Relationship Goals

I’m a disaster in relationships but I don’t know if it’s my fault anymore. Sometimes I blame him, other times I blame myself for being a pushover and letting him away with it.

As I’m 26 I’m not as naive as I have been in previous years and in actual fact, I think I’m probably quite realistic when it comes to a relationship. I’m not expecting a whirlwind romance like you find in movies and books. I’m not looking for a knight in shining armour. I’m not looking for some tall, dark, rich and handsome guy to walk in and sweep me off my feet and take care of me. I actually hate the fact that those romances exist, even if it is only fiction. It leads girls (in particular) into a false sense of reality. 

I don’t think I expect much from a relationship. 

I want somebody to do nothing with. Somebody to waste time with. I want somebody that is reliable and who wants to challenge me. I don’t want a push over who will agree with me on every debate. I want somebody who will support me and love me in spite of my imperfections. Somebody who will make me feel safe. 

Is that a lot to ask for? 

Because if it’s not, then why do I always pick the wrong ones? 

I don’t even have a type. I don’t go for guys based on looks. I go based on personality. Somebody who can make me smile and laugh. Every single one of them though has been a failure once I get to know them. Somebody who puts on a show to win me over and then just drops the pretence once I’ve been sucked in. I’m beginning to think it’s my fault at this stage.

I think I’m a good looking girl. Slightly underweight maybe but not sickly thin, more toned than skinny. I’ve a fat ass that’s too big for the rest of my body and small tits. I’m mixed race and I always get compliments about my looks, especially my eyes so they’re down below. I’m polite and friendly, even when I don’t always feel like acting that way. I know the right places to nod and laugh in a conversation. I don’t think I’m a bad person. I just seem to attract bad people into my life. 

I guess you could say that with my track record in relationships, I’ve grown accustomed to being mistreated and it’s what I’ve come to expect. It’s what I think I deserve. 

This relationship is tough. I got sucked in with smiles and jokes, laughs and dates. I met his son and grew to love the two of them. I wanted us to be a family. I got up and made family breakfasts and came home and did family dinners. I cleaned the house and made it a home. I ironed shirts and looked after a sick child. I was happy to do it when I thought he wanted it too. Now I’m not sure what he wants. 

Sometimes I think it isn’t me he wants at all. Sometimes I think he just needs a cleaner in the house. 

We don’t have sex, he fucks me and thinks of other girls. How do I know that’s what he thinks about? He says it out loud, my sister, my cousin, my best friend… Even my mother. I’m never enough. 

What is wrong with me that every single time I feel like I’m taken advantage of? 
-A